Hypothetical situation; I’m planning a chav wedding. What are your ideas for the ceremony/ reception?

wedding cufflink

Playboy cufflinks for the groom? A Burberry garter?
I said HYPOTHETICAL folks; here’s a chance for some fun specualtion!

Well, I say BE Creative! You got an interesting view. See our reader comment.

22 replies
  1. g8bvl
    g8bvl says:

    ceremony – at a bus stop

    reception – local park with unlimited white cider on tap, a free 20 deck and pack of papers.

  2. andrea_bazile
    andrea_bazile says:

    have a ghetto fablous recepation which mean let anyone wear wat eva they wanted 2 wear burberry garter

  3. AngelWings
    AngelWings says:

    Why not take inspiration from the Beckhams and have thrones at your wedding? Alternatively take ideas from Jordan and have a pink tuttu style wedding dress, horsedrawn carriage and pink suit & sparkly waistcoat for the groom.

    If you thinking 100% chav, ideas include burberry gifts for your guests, bulldogs on the wedding stationery, baseball caps for the groom and usher, arrive at the wedding in a zooped up Nova, be around 8-9 months pregnant as the bride (and a teenager if possible) and throw the reception at your nan’s council flat in Staines!

  4. Fluffy
    Fluffy says:

    Sounds more like a day to forget than one to remember! Why not do something with a little more taste and seriousness – perhaps you can take your relationship seriously too!
    Don’t mean to be a kill-joy – just sounds a bit tacky to me!

  5. Burnbaby
    Burnbaby says:

    Instead of wedding rings… exchange big gold hoop earrings (Elizabeth Duke)…. Instead of champagne…. cans of Tennants super or White Lightning… Bridesmaids in matching Burberry…

  6. stevensontj
    stevensontj says:

    Matching Adidas tracksuits. (Black and pink). A snarling bulldog on a lead with the rings on its studded collar. Make sure the bride’s best friend / sister that the groom shagged last night is in the front row with a positive pregnancy test. Hand out transfer tatoos with the bride and grooms names entwined. Hip hop at the reception so the skinny pasty gansta white boys can strut their undernourished stuff. Play a party game of “Leave it! It’s not worth it!” by telling the person sitting next to you that their boy/girl friend is a whore/police informant. Steal the pink limo and leave it burnt out in the midde of the hotel garden. Throw up in Reception, the punch or the bride’s mother’s cleavage. Get at least ten people carted off to hospital drunk to fight in Accident and Emergency. Then later play “He fancies you!” with all the psychotic dads. Let off the sprinkler system. Sit back and enjoy.

  7. DIDI
    DIDI says:

    As a twist, do a becks wedding, American style. .. a la Britney & KFed.

    Trucker hats and burberry togs.

  8. supersam82
    supersam82 says:

    white tracksuit for da girl
    propa suit for da boy
    banged up modded fiesta for da wedding car, dont 4get da police escort and da blaring music
    hold the ceremony down the park near the bench, ma best m8 can do all da formal stuff
    honeymoon can be da stereotypical chav shag at da local bus stop

  9. James M
    James M says:

    There would have to be a couple of hoodie wearing pageboys and way too much gold and lashings of sovereign rings.

    And of course, the whole ceremony should be held in the local community centre.

  10. jaynie
    jaynie says:

    Total Burberry, wedding dress, groom, bridesmaids, best man, maothers of groom and bride. Table decorations all burberry, wedding cake burberry pattern – the chav world is your oyster.
    Failing that copy Jordan and Peter’s wedding, that was totally chavy!!!!

  11. Lizzie
    Lizzie says:

    How about a ceremonial line up of all their (and their guest’s) toddlers sitting in blinged-up buggies, (all with pierced ears and high pony tails, if they have hair), waving Greggs pastie wrapper “flags”, dressed in white satin tracksuits? Then a display of pom pom morris dancing from their older female offspring later to kick off the reception (bride knows all the moves and joins in. In fact, her bouquet will be a pom pom). I would advise booking St. John’s for the inevitable scrap between the females. Wedding favours? A packet of scrunchies from “Claire’s Accessories”.

    These are poor chavs.

  12. Not called Katie
    Not called Katie says:

    A mini roll wedding cake. Kebabs and chips for the reception, if you’re planning a sit down meal… Baseball caps compulsory for the male guests. One of the family ordained on the internet as a vicar to marry the happy couple. White cider for the toast.

  13. sarcasticquotemarks
    sarcasticquotemarks says:

    Obviously the bride will have to be eight months pregnant, and in order for her to stand out it would be best for her to wear a white tracksuit.

    It’s chav etiquette for the groom’s parole officer to act a best man.

    The wedding party should arrive at the church/venue/bus stop in a Nova, ideally blasting out some bangin’ tunes from the suped-up sound system.

    And remember, after the ceremony it’s customary for the newly weds to go out into the street and mug the first people the see.

  14. Little Miss Alien
    Little Miss Alien says:

    The bride needs to be wearing a Tesco wedding dress, be 18 years old, pregnant, with a croydon facelift hairstyle and alternately chewing gum/smoking throughout the day (or both if you like).

    The groom needs to wear black Addidas, bright white Reebok (sorry, RBK) trainers and a Burberry cap. Don’t forget the all important bling.

    The rings need to be from ‘Elizabeff Dooke’ at Argos.

    The most important thing for both the ceremony and reception is to have lots of screaming kids who keep running around with parents that do nothing than every so often call out their (obligatory double-barrelled) name in a warning tone, without doing the slightest thing. To add to this effect make sure that the children are gven plenty of Haribo and/or other e-number laden foods. Don’t forget the chocolate fountain for the kiddies to dip their fingers in and wipe all over themselves/upholstery/the bride etc.

    Make sure adequate smoking time is left between courses of the meal. ie. leave a 5-10 minute break between the Big Mac course and the Mc Flurry course.

    The first dance should be either to the Macarena or Crazy Frog.

    If the bride is going to have a bouquet, make sure it has been freshly swiped from the local graveyard that morning. When it comes to the time to toss the bouquet, make sure the female guests, but especially the bridesmaids, are at their most drunk before the boquet is tossed. Make sure it does not actually land in any of their arms, instead make it fall approximately 2 metres in front of them, then stand back and watch the evening’s entertainment – who needs fireworks and a live band when you can have a catfight? Make sure the best man/ushers capture the moment on their phones, to later post to YouTube.

    The bride and groom should finish up the night by videoing the wedding night and distributing their homemade porn on the internet in order to pay off the loan that they got out to cover the cost of the wedding (mostly spent on fags and booze).

  15. bootleg
    bootleg says:

    Plenty of Stella, weed, speed balling and swear box. Everyone must be hooded and bovver boots and knuckle dusters, head banger music.

  16. devon lass
    devon lass says:

    A fake Burberry tie for the groom, worn backwards so the thin bit is at the front, & no ‘shoes’, cheap football trainers. For the bride, hair scraped back & playboy bunny ears, the biggest fake gold creole earrings & of course, the love-bite necklace/choker. The reception, a mixture of chart & football songs, a few limp sandwiches, lots of peanuts, bowls of cigarettes & a stack of lager, drunk from tins of course! Held in the local football club.
    Lets not forget the name banner across the top of the windscreen.

    Sounds awful, but I guess it’s someones cup of tea!!

  17. Ruth B
    Ruth B says:

    I went to a wedding reception at a hotel last week, and in the other side of the hotel there was a different reception. It was soooooo funny! The women were dressed up like Jordan at her wedding, really dark, dark, dark fake tan, piles of bright make up, massive bleached hair all piled up, fake eye lashes, glitter all over them, a MASSIVE pink wedding dress, bigger than Jordans, all of the women were dressed in BRIGHT BRIGHT satin, nasty dresses, all purple, or red, with feather boas and they all either had fake boobs or massive chicken fillets in! The girls half way through the night then ripped of their dresses to reveal tiny satin bustiers and bra tops and micro mini skirts! The men were dressed in suits with shirts not tucked in, massive ruffles shirts, and burburry caps and trainers! They all had cigarettes hangin out of their mouths and I’m sure there was a thong contest toward the end of the night!

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